“When you have a lot of confidence and you feel like nobody can beat you, it is game over for everyone else.”– Jason Day
Feeling I wanted a boyfriend had a very clear underlying message- I wanted to feel good about myself, to be loved, desired, to have someone there to make me look good about myself when I didn’t. During the course of our relationship my feelings were totally dependent on the way he responded to me- a praise would lead to excitement. An offense? Well I’d fall to pieces.
I was once a very unwise little lady and I know I’m not alone. I desired a boyfriend more than anything. I never stopped to think why, I just wanted it. Now this isn’t going to be a tale about how I wanted it and it didn’t happen and then when I stopped wanting it, it did. Somehow a relationship resulted from desperation and from there, chaos ensued.
Amazingly, the relationship didn’t last and it was only in the years later that I realized the reason why: I was looking for love and approval outside myself, a fatal mistake I see committed all the time. When this relationship ended, I truly learned the importance of loving myself, which my newfound confidence revealed. I was a much better off and happier person out of the relationship than I had ever been when I was in it.
My inspiration for this post came some time ago while reading Feeling Good by David D. Burns (a book I highly recommend), specifically this passage: “People who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and become like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy.” While these insights aren’t anything new, I felt duty-bound to examine this concept in depth because for some reason, most of us put this very vital knowledge on the back side.
Before you can find a healthy, happy, loving relationship, it is essential to love yourself, we’ve all been told. But how does one develop such a love? I have faced my fair share of uncertainty and self-doubt but these burdens are mostly a thing of the past for me now and I have evolved into someone who is (frequently) confident in every way.
This didn’t happen mystically, it took some work and a major attitude overall which was done using the tips listed below.
1. Appreciate That You Can Be Happy Alone
A wonderful thing indeed is having a significant other, but it isn’t the only thing and it undoubtedly doesn’t make you complete, despite what the Hallmark cards might say. If you don’t have a special someone in your life, it’s okay, it’s actually great because you get to be totally selfish and get to live life only for yourself which is a luxury people in couples do not enjoy!
Read: What A Man Wants in A Woman – Top 5 Things
To really be happy with someone else, you truly need to discover happiness within yourself. We are all amazing and wonderful creatures and given that, we certainly do not need a guy to mirror this right back to us.
2. Discover What Confidence Looks Like
What other people think of you doesn’t matter, your thoughts about yourself is all that makes the difference, self confidence. If you really want to be more confident, then make a list that details what confidence looks like and act in that line. If you want to try out a bold look but feel hesitant, tell yourself: ‘A confident person doesn’t care what others think and I’m a confident person and I like this clothing so I’ll wear it!’
Because you’re scared he’ll reject you and you’re afraid of approaching a guy, then say to yourself, ‘A confident person doesn’t fear rejection because a confident person knows they’re fabulous and knows they’re a catch in every sense and whoever doesn’t see that is missing out. I would be satisfied if this guy responds to me because I am a confident person and but if he doesn’t it won’t affect me.’ Self confidence! It may feel odd, or maybe like you’re being delusional, but believe me, in time, you will become a confident person and will no longer be acting like one.
3. Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone By Creating a Routine.
Indulge yourself in an activity once a day that pushes you out of your comfort zone. Perhaps, you can repeat something that is uncomfortable so it no longer has the same emotional effect on your self confidence.
The resulting effect is that fear will diminish and the negative effects will lessen in your neurology system, ensuring things become easier the more you do them.
4. Thinking Negative Thoughts? Stop Now
Negative thoughts are unavoidable. Sometimes we think them to ourselves and other times we lament out loud in hopes of getting some reassurance- “I’m so Chubby” “I’m so Gross” “I’m never going to be successful,” you know how the good old insecurity song and dance goes. Well stop entertaining these thoughts from now on! When a negative thought pops into your head, clear it out right then and there.
A practice of thinking the exact opposite when a bad thought enters my mind is what I’m used to. If I start thinking, ‘I’m so exhausted, I do not want to do any work today,’ Immediately I identify that this is a negative thought which is of no value to me and then confess the exact opposite, ‘Today I am going to get so much done because I’m so energized!’ It works even if it might sound silly, trust me.
Read: Why Does He Pull Away? 5 Things You Can Do To Win Him Back
Thoughts are genuine forces, having a massive impact on your self confidence, mindset and mood. And you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy when you are thinking negative thoughts. Knowing that you can control the thoughts that enter your mind and you don’t have to pay attention to the negative ones is a good news. Every thought reverberates through your mind and body and creates a vibration which eventually makes those thoughts a reality. If you don’t want to feel bad about yourself or have a bad day, then start thinking positive thoughts!
5. Change the way you talk to yourself.
Take note of how you speak to yourself and the relationship you have with your body throughout the day.
Many people push the obligation of their success on to other people giving away their personal power and accountability. Practice positive internal self-talk, because it will have a big impact on how you perceive the outside world and feel about yourself.
6. Outline Your Attributes
Talking about how great you are is definitely unappealing. Recognizing your attributes privately, however, is a wondrous thing and is a practice everyone should adopt. Consciously let your positive traits run through your mind or write them down. Everyone has positive attributes, from mental, physical features down to personality traits. Henceforth, forget what you think you’re lacking, or what you’re lacking, and focus on all the magnificent things that make you who you are. You should learn to love and celebrate who you are and it should be something that causes you to experience great pride and happiness, never despair, shame or misery.
“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere” ~Agnes Repplier
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